Rhubarbsky

At Abby’s little school yesterday, I had a rather unsettling experience. A little unglue-ing from reality, if you will. I know well what it was, but I’ll try to explain. I stood with some other parents, listening to one mom talk about the impossibility of getting her 3 year old boy to go to sleep each night. I sort of spaced off and when I tried to refocus my attentions, I couldn’t seem to make sense of the words she was saying. I really felt like I needed a Babel fish to understand what was going on. I pulled it together within a few minutes, but later, I was looking at a calendar and couldn’t quite comprehend what it said on it. I could read the words, but couldn’t quite make any sense of them and what they meant. I had little lapses of memory all day. I couldn’t remember names of people and children that I know well, even when they were standing right in front of me. I had this crazy sense that the air was thicker, like I was sort of swimming through the space in front of me. My normally sharp and quick tongue felt almost swollen and thick in a figurative sense.

At the end of Abby’s class, there’s always about 10 minutes of complete chaos. Everyone is trying to gather their children, get coats, exchange recipes/magazine articles, set up play dates and all the while, the children are all trying to keep playing. There is often yelling, tiny melt-downs, a cacophony of laughter, bustling about, and general mayhem. I try to get out pretty quickly and avoid the madness, as I don’t do well in situations like that, but yesterday, I just started to cry. It felt like everything around me was spinning, all of the noises ran together. A very dear friend was there, saw me start to lose it and helped get me out the door. Once outside, I took a deep breath, grabbed Abby’s hand and started to walk home.

Sounds a bit like a panic attack to me. I don’t know that I’ve ever experienced one that was so clearly a panic attack. I’ve always known that I’m a little prone to depression, but not panic disorder. I work really hard to take care of myself to avoid full-blown depressive episodes. After Abby was born, everyone I knew was on postpartum depression watch for me. After getting home from the hospital last summer, I sent out the same call to watch me (and Tom) for signs of depression. I generally know how to avoid slipping too far down into the abyss. I’ve been on anti-depressants before, but have found that the stuff I do for myself is more helpful for me. Of course, should it ever get bad enough that I need help, or am not functioning well in my daily life, I’ll seek help (and I’m in counseling. . . don’t worry Mom, I’m okay).

The last year has been especially trying for our little family. Tom’s brush with death kicked me into overdrive to take care of everything. As he’s gotten better and better, I’ve started to pull back from the “supermom/wife” roll and face my own emotions about the whole thing. Throughout the last several months, I’ve felt myself teetering on the edge of unhappiness (and I mean a profound unhappiness, not just a little blue day). I do yoga, go running, make sure I’m eating well, take time for myself, lessen my responsibilities with volunteering, focus on goodness, meditate, journal, and try to stay mindful during those times when I could slip over the edge. These things usually work for me. In the past 3 weeks, I’ve had little time to do any of these things for myself. I slipped into eating large amounts of junky carbs, stopped exercising, didn’t get alone time because Abby was sick for so long and couldn’t go to daycare or school etc. When our house finally came off the market yesterday and I got to leave my underwear and dishes around for the first time in 6 weeks, I think I just let loose of all of the stress. Hence the little melt-down yesterday.

And, now (after that massive unloading there!), I’m ready to get to my point! I started my blogs as a way to share pictures and stories of Abby with her extended family, a way to log my crafty things, a way to share recipes with the members of my local CSA. Since I put all of these topics in one place, the point and focus of the whole thing has shifted. It has become a creative outlet for me. A space to help me notice the beauty of the mundane, the sparkle of the everyday.

As part of my plan for self-preservation (along with yoga, running, eating well, taking time for ME and letting the laundry pile up), I hope to take the time to make lists of 5 things (with or without pictures) that I’ve accomplished, noticed, loved, appreciated or found beautiful. I don’t want to put a bunch of “rules” on this, but I’m going to try not to belittle my accomplishments (“I ran a mile, but it was all down hill.” or “I made this, but the stitching is wonky.” etc). I don’t know how often I’ll do it, or for how long, but I’m hopeful that this practice will help me get rooted in the goodness of every little thing around me. Thanks for reading.

Five things (pictures scattered throughout this post):

1. Local eggs delivered to my door, Abby’s art, library books.
2. Running without the stroller.
3. Awesome thrifted trim. And, the bonus of a close look at my wedding ring. I LOVE that ring.
4. Socks I knit for Abby while I was in Texas.
5. Last night and this morning’s dishes. . . just sitting there!